I thought it was to get better

It's been two weeks since my meds we increased and although I do feel a little bit better and more 'normal' than 2 months ago, I find I still need to have help to get over the feeling of losing it (Ativan when needed). I switched from taking the pills in the morning to the night (after dinner) since I was not getting a restful sleep dispite sleeping through the night. Well since I switched I have been getting a better rest but waking 4-5 times a night. Because if this I have now begun to nap on the train going to work and back home (20-30 mins each way).

I need the extra help last night. My husband finally has a job. He works nights driving a tow truck, which means we rarely will see eachother during the week. He works from 5pm-7am and I'm out before he gets home and home after he leaves. Gotta do whatcha gotta do. Last night was his first night. I knew I had to deal with being alone at night but found it more difficult as the night before (Monday night) there was a shooting 5 houses down from us. It was a case of mistaken identity, but never the less it happened (the area we live in is a lower to mid-income neighbourhood but in the 5 years we have been here nothing close to this has ever happened). When my husband is gone from the house (his hockey night and now work) I have a hard time turning off my brain at bedtime. All the "what if's" go through my head. Although last night there were no what-if's, but I could feel myself start to vibrate inside, especially when I had to make a decision. I made KD for the kids when I got home, but my husband suggested I make that. I had a hard time deciding which sheets to put on my son's bed (his diaper leaked during his nap), although there was 2 sets they both were the same. I also had a hard time picking out the kid's pjs. I should have just let Abby pick her own as she does all the time but I guess I felt the need to do it myself...my do. I got through it all and my husband actually came home at midnight as it was a short night for him. I did sleep through my alarm this morning to start the day off wrong. I had mushrooms for lunch as I just don't feel that hungry but know I need to eat something.

I'm done with everything.

I want out. Out of my life. Out of here. Out of my skin. But how can I leave everyone I love and that need me? Somedays I just want to pack up and leave, but where will I go? How can I leave my kids? my HB? I don't feel normal. Why am I being tested with all of this? Who did we piss off to recieve all this shit? I can't deal with my kids after only an hour or so (somethimes more, most times less) even though HB is with them all day (which is going to change next week) and needs a break. I feel like a failure at everything and I don't care at the time...but then I feel guilty afterward. It's a vicious cycle I'm on and I want off.

Well, f*ck you world

When will this nightmare end.

Last week, after 6 months with no job, my husband was offered and accepted a job. It wasn't ideal as it was nights, only a couple of days a week and 1 hr commute each way without traffic. He went for an unpaied training session and to fill out paperwork on Monday (2 days ago) and was all set to work tonight. He stayed up most of last night in preparation of tonight and took the kids to the daycare so he could get sleep durring the day. He came home to a message from work. He called and they said they no longer have a job for him as they lost a couple of accounts.

I know he probably automatically called me as he needed to vent, as I probably would have done the same. I do have to ask why he did, knowing that it would probably send me into an anxiety attack. I have actually handled it well so far, but it's only been 1 hr. I guess we'll see as the day progresses.

Here I sit...

...back from the review. I can't believe I was so paranoid and panicked about it. It was very informative and informal. We went through my self-evaluation and we talked about those things and then set some acheivable goals for the next year. Very easy. I barely cryed at the begining...something I tend to do when talking about emotions and myself.

I do, however, feel lightheaded. I think it has to do with the aftermath of the panic before I went in. It might have something to do with my 3-day migraine also, which I believe is gone.

Here I sit...

...one hour before my performance review. I've only been here for 4 months but since this review is on last years performance and this years goals I get to do this years goals and the last 4 months. Coincidentally the same 4 months I have been dealing with these demons. My wise mother told me last night that they've already formed their opinion and their critique is just to help me proceed rather than to beat me down like my mind is telling me.

I have been doing well since Friday. I have the last day of a 3-day migraine related to menstruation and haven't been able to sleep well at night (2 hours out, 2 hours up, etc.). I've only gotten max 4 hours of sleep each of the last 2 nights. Last night I had to take one of the crazy pills. I call it the crazy pills as that's how I feel on them. I feel drunk without the fun of getting there. No hallucinations yet but I'm certain that they will come.

I sit here now wanting to take a crazy pill because I can feel myself starting to get panicky and anxious, but I don't want to go into the review on it. I'm torn.

Everything is hard right now.

As I sit here at work in a drug-induced haze I wonder whay I even bothered to get up this morning.

It all started yesterday at around 5pm. As I steped onto the train platform I realise the train on the left hadn't arrived yet and the train on the right hadn't left to make room for the next train, which is the one I take. I felt a little panic that I believed would have gotten worse so I took the when-needed pill, as per Dr orders. Well it got me over the total uncontrolable panic and I tried to sleep on the train. This day I couldn't, normally I can. Maybe I was thinking too much of the night ahead. Abby had her 3rd soccer game, which I had to meet them there as I get home when thier game starts. Thankfully I can drop my car off at my house as the feilds are at the end of our street. We were supposed to have a nurse come and take blood, urine, and a bunck of tests, but Adam canceled because we wouldn't have enough time. He leaves for hockey at 8:30 and the nurse was comming at 8. Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal but he had to take the car without high-gear. An 11 min hiway drive was going to be a 30 min backroad drive. This also ment that I needed to bathe and put bith kids to be myself...remember the when-needed pill I took? We it's working full force now and I feel dizzy like being drunk without the fun of getting there. Abby isn't a problem since she is pretty selfsufficient and wants to do everything by herself...although I did read her a story. Paul on the other hand, at 17 months can't get out of the tub by himself, can't dress himself, can't climb into his crib by himself. Adam did bring a diaper and bottle of milk up before he left (kids were still in the tub), so I appreciated that. Slowly but surely I got them all into bed without incident (no crying or fussing for any of us). I then took a shower and went to bed myself.

This mornning I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow. I knew I had lots to do at work so I had to go. I go to find no lunch made (Adam makes my lunch all the time) and no money on the table next to my keys. Well I guess I don't get Timmy's this morning and there isn't any tea made...so I guess I don't get anything for breakfast. Really a little setback but inside it's starting to rage. I wake Adam up and ask him. The bank he usually goes to after hockey all the lights in the plazza were out so he couldn't get any money for me. But he did put gas in the car and he got McD's on his way home.

I race around get the last Poptarts and make a bottle of Gatorade and run out the door to pay for my train ticket and catch it. On my way to the train Station the car looks like it's overheating (steem coming out of the hood) but the temp guage is still fine. At this point I'm still tired and starting to vibrate on the inside. I try to let it go but find it's too much so I take another when-needed pill.

That seems like a lot for any one person to take, but for me I'm having problems letting go of the things I can't control. I know better days are ahead and I hope they come soon.

Where did it start

I'm sure the demon has always been there but my body has been keeping it at bay without involving me. In talking to my Dr some of the reactions I've had to being nervous or excited came from the demon inside.

Six months ago my husband lost his job. Two days before his probation was up and he would have had a pay increase, they let him go. We found out later that they wanted to find someone cheaper (he wasn't getting much as it was). I had 3 weeks left of maternity leave from my son and didn't have a job to go back to as I was a contract worker before he was born. I had been looking but since it was Christmas time not many companies in my field were hiring. After a month of no income from either of us, I finally get 2 offers. One company was close to home but couldn't guarantee work past 2 months, but was hopeful. The other (I took) was a 4 hour/day commute at the same company I was with for 3 months before my son was born. I hate the commute but was more secure than the close job.

That was 4 months ago. This is when the demon started showing itself.

I had a hard time sitting at my desk when my kids were at home with my husband. After 3 weeks I broke down. I didn't know if I could do it anymore. 12 hours a day was spent away from them. In the first hour at home we ate adn then I put my son to bed. My daughter went to bed about an hour later. I have about 1.5 hours with my husband and then I was off to bed...this was unless he was at hockey (his one night out a week) and then I was alone the rest of the night.

I was making it though until 5 weeks ago. My husband's EI ran out and we were now down to only my income. We had mega bills from the past year or so and no way to pay all of them. This is when I started to have problems dealing with life. The demon emerged in the form of depression, anxiety and panic. I couldn't concentrate at work, I couldn't get into doing anything, I just felt blah.

In my commute to work I sit on the train for an hour and then walk 30mins to the office. The walk to the office was most times ok. The odd time my chest would start the cramp and I'd have to try ad catch my breath, eventhough I'm breathing normal. While sitting at my desk I would all of a sudden get an overwhelming felling of doom, the room would start to spin, I would start to breath heavy again and be totally dizzy eventhough I was sitting. I wouldn't know what triggered it and it would pass within 1-2 mins or so. My walk to the train was more bad times than good. If I felt I wasn't ontime I would start to panic eventhough I really had lots of time. On the train platform if a train went by I would have an overwhelming sence that something would happen (I would get hurt by the train, but not life-threatning). After a bad day I would sleep most of the way home on the train.

Two weeks ago my world came crashing down around me. I guess I should say I came crashing down. I came home crying and after explaining to my husband he suggested I go see our Dr. The next day was Saturday and I spent the day there in body but not in mind. I couldn't make a decision for the life of me (I was asked if I wanted something to drink and I couldn't answer). Sunday was better and we all even made it outside for some fun at the beach. The next week (last week) was better and I only had one episode on Friday. My husband called to tell me the interview he went to was for a job that would have him gone for 10-12 days at a time so he won't take it if it was offered.

Monday (2 days ago) I went to my Dr and he was great. he's got me on prescriptions and I'm going back in a month to re-evaluate.

Logic and Reason

I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and I have a career. My life right now is so full my brain cannot process those words. I feel like I fail everyone around me, yet no one seems to notice. It's not until I explode that it seems something might have to be done.

Controling the uncontrolable seems doable, yet answering the simplist of questions seems impossible.

Logic is defined as reason or sound judgment. Reason is defined as the mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences. How can anyone function without either of those without breaking down mentally and/or physically.

My wonderful husband didn't know how to help so he suggested my family doctor as a start. I have all these emotions, feelings, thoughts swimming around in my head so I thought I should probably let them all out here. This way I'm not being a burden on any one person (my husband or my parents).

I'm hoping that by putting my words out there I can fully understand myself and what is happening inside me. I hope this way I'm not under so much preasure that I blow my top again.