Where did it start

I'm sure the demon has always been there but my body has been keeping it at bay without involving me. In talking to my Dr some of the reactions I've had to being nervous or excited came from the demon inside.

Six months ago my husband lost his job. Two days before his probation was up and he would have had a pay increase, they let him go. We found out later that they wanted to find someone cheaper (he wasn't getting much as it was). I had 3 weeks left of maternity leave from my son and didn't have a job to go back to as I was a contract worker before he was born. I had been looking but since it was Christmas time not many companies in my field were hiring. After a month of no income from either of us, I finally get 2 offers. One company was close to home but couldn't guarantee work past 2 months, but was hopeful. The other (I took) was a 4 hour/day commute at the same company I was with for 3 months before my son was born. I hate the commute but was more secure than the close job.

That was 4 months ago. This is when the demon started showing itself.

I had a hard time sitting at my desk when my kids were at home with my husband. After 3 weeks I broke down. I didn't know if I could do it anymore. 12 hours a day was spent away from them. In the first hour at home we ate adn then I put my son to bed. My daughter went to bed about an hour later. I have about 1.5 hours with my husband and then I was off to bed...this was unless he was at hockey (his one night out a week) and then I was alone the rest of the night.

I was making it though until 5 weeks ago. My husband's EI ran out and we were now down to only my income. We had mega bills from the past year or so and no way to pay all of them. This is when I started to have problems dealing with life. The demon emerged in the form of depression, anxiety and panic. I couldn't concentrate at work, I couldn't get into doing anything, I just felt blah.

In my commute to work I sit on the train for an hour and then walk 30mins to the office. The walk to the office was most times ok. The odd time my chest would start the cramp and I'd have to try ad catch my breath, eventhough I'm breathing normal. While sitting at my desk I would all of a sudden get an overwhelming felling of doom, the room would start to spin, I would start to breath heavy again and be totally dizzy eventhough I was sitting. I wouldn't know what triggered it and it would pass within 1-2 mins or so. My walk to the train was more bad times than good. If I felt I wasn't ontime I would start to panic eventhough I really had lots of time. On the train platform if a train went by I would have an overwhelming sence that something would happen (I would get hurt by the train, but not life-threatning). After a bad day I would sleep most of the way home on the train.

Two weeks ago my world came crashing down around me. I guess I should say I came crashing down. I came home crying and after explaining to my husband he suggested I go see our Dr. The next day was Saturday and I spent the day there in body but not in mind. I couldn't make a decision for the life of me (I was asked if I wanted something to drink and I couldn't answer). Sunday was better and we all even made it outside for some fun at the beach. The next week (last week) was better and I only had one episode on Friday. My husband called to tell me the interview he went to was for a job that would have him gone for 10-12 days at a time so he won't take it if it was offered.

Monday (2 days ago) I went to my Dr and he was great. he's got me on prescriptions and I'm going back in a month to re-evaluate.