I thought it was to get better

It's been two weeks since my meds we increased and although I do feel a little bit better and more 'normal' than 2 months ago, I find I still need to have help to get over the feeling of losing it (Ativan when needed). I switched from taking the pills in the morning to the night (after dinner) since I was not getting a restful sleep dispite sleeping through the night. Well since I switched I have been getting a better rest but waking 4-5 times a night. Because if this I have now begun to nap on the train going to work and back home (20-30 mins each way).

I need the extra help last night. My husband finally has a job. He works nights driving a tow truck, which means we rarely will see eachother during the week. He works from 5pm-7am and I'm out before he gets home and home after he leaves. Gotta do whatcha gotta do. Last night was his first night. I knew I had to deal with being alone at night but found it more difficult as the night before (Monday night) there was a shooting 5 houses down from us. It was a case of mistaken identity, but never the less it happened (the area we live in is a lower to mid-income neighbourhood but in the 5 years we have been here nothing close to this has ever happened). When my husband is gone from the house (his hockey night and now work) I have a hard time turning off my brain at bedtime. All the "what if's" go through my head. Although last night there were no what-if's, but I could feel myself start to vibrate inside, especially when I had to make a decision. I made KD for the kids when I got home, but my husband suggested I make that. I had a hard time deciding which sheets to put on my son's bed (his diaper leaked during his nap), although there was 2 sets they both were the same. I also had a hard time picking out the kid's pjs. I should have just let Abby pick her own as she does all the time but I guess I felt the need to do it myself...my do. I got through it all and my husband actually came home at midnight as it was a short night for him. I did sleep through my alarm this morning to start the day off wrong. I had mushrooms for lunch as I just don't feel that hungry but know I need to eat something.

I'm done with everything.

I want out. Out of my life. Out of here. Out of my skin. But how can I leave everyone I love and that need me? Somedays I just want to pack up and leave, but where will I go? How can I leave my kids? my HB? I don't feel normal. Why am I being tested with all of this? Who did we piss off to recieve all this shit? I can't deal with my kids after only an hour or so (somethimes more, most times less) even though HB is with them all day (which is going to change next week) and needs a break. I feel like a failure at everything and I don't care at the time...but then I feel guilty afterward. It's a vicious cycle I'm on and I want off.

Well, f*ck you world

When will this nightmare end.

Last week, after 6 months with no job, my husband was offered and accepted a job. It wasn't ideal as it was nights, only a couple of days a week and 1 hr commute each way without traffic. He went for an unpaied training session and to fill out paperwork on Monday (2 days ago) and was all set to work tonight. He stayed up most of last night in preparation of tonight and took the kids to the daycare so he could get sleep durring the day. He came home to a message from work. He called and they said they no longer have a job for him as they lost a couple of accounts.

I know he probably automatically called me as he needed to vent, as I probably would have done the same. I do have to ask why he did, knowing that it would probably send me into an anxiety attack. I have actually handled it well so far, but it's only been 1 hr. I guess we'll see as the day progresses.