Everything is hard right now.

As I sit here at work in a drug-induced haze I wonder whay I even bothered to get up this morning.

It all started yesterday at around 5pm. As I steped onto the train platform I realise the train on the left hadn't arrived yet and the train on the right hadn't left to make room for the next train, which is the one I take. I felt a little panic that I believed would have gotten worse so I took the when-needed pill, as per Dr orders. Well it got me over the total uncontrolable panic and I tried to sleep on the train. This day I couldn't, normally I can. Maybe I was thinking too much of the night ahead. Abby had her 3rd soccer game, which I had to meet them there as I get home when thier game starts. Thankfully I can drop my car off at my house as the feilds are at the end of our street. We were supposed to have a nurse come and take blood, urine, and a bunck of tests, but Adam canceled because we wouldn't have enough time. He leaves for hockey at 8:30 and the nurse was comming at 8. Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal but he had to take the car without high-gear. An 11 min hiway drive was going to be a 30 min backroad drive. This also ment that I needed to bathe and put bith kids to be myself...remember the when-needed pill I took? We it's working full force now and I feel dizzy like being drunk without the fun of getting there. Abby isn't a problem since she is pretty selfsufficient and wants to do everything by herself...although I did read her a story. Paul on the other hand, at 17 months can't get out of the tub by himself, can't dress himself, can't climb into his crib by himself. Adam did bring a diaper and bottle of milk up before he left (kids were still in the tub), so I appreciated that. Slowly but surely I got them all into bed without incident (no crying or fussing for any of us). I then took a shower and went to bed myself.

This mornning I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow. I knew I had lots to do at work so I had to go. I go to find no lunch made (Adam makes my lunch all the time) and no money on the table next to my keys. Well I guess I don't get Timmy's this morning and there isn't any tea made...so I guess I don't get anything for breakfast. Really a little setback but inside it's starting to rage. I wake Adam up and ask him. The bank he usually goes to after hockey all the lights in the plazza were out so he couldn't get any money for me. But he did put gas in the car and he got McD's on his way home.

I race around get the last Poptarts and make a bottle of Gatorade and run out the door to pay for my train ticket and catch it. On my way to the train Station the car looks like it's overheating (steem coming out of the hood) but the temp guage is still fine. At this point I'm still tired and starting to vibrate on the inside. I try to let it go but find it's too much so I take another when-needed pill.

That seems like a lot for any one person to take, but for me I'm having problems letting go of the things I can't control. I know better days are ahead and I hope they come soon.