I hope tomorrow is better.

Well, it's been a long time. My husband ended up leaving the tow job and had another driving job but that didn't work out. Finally in October he was offered another job an thankfully he still loves it. Not only does he love it they love him and he's doing a great job. In November I felt the wrath of downsizing. After 10 months of loving what I was doing (hating the commute) and on the road to felling better about my life and knowing that the end of the dark tunnel was very close, it caved in.

I was ok in the begining. I logically could make sense of it. It wasn't just me it was 10-15% of the company (30-45 people of all levels). It wasn't anything I did or didn't do as it was because of the economy.

Christmas was hard but my old company was very generous and gave everyone that was leaving a gift card that we were able to get the kids presents done right away.

I was able to get 12 months of EI, but because there was an increase around my area (GM layoffs) I ended up waiting just over 2 months. I didn't get anything until the very end of January. By that time we were 3 mortgage payments behind. With our renewl coming up (March 1st) we tried to get on top of this and everything else. We're close but still far enough away that I'm getting anxious and starting to panic again. I haven't had an attack this bad in almost 6 months. Although it isn't anywhere close to the worst, after almost 10 months since the worst I fear going back.

Today I feel like I'm letting my kids down. If we don't come up with an extra $600 by friday we can't refinance the mortgage an if we can't do that we loose our house. I feel like I failed my kids. If we can't come up with another extra $700 we don't have a car. My birthday was yesterday so technically today I was driving the car without a valid plate...although I can drive it until the end of the month. To re-plate the car it will cost more than the car is worth (thank you ETR) and we should fix it as it doesn't like to start. And that will cost more than the car is worth. It's better to scrap it as my aunt an uncle gave us a car in October. We just haven't had the money to plate it (thank you again ETR).

I know this time I can't ask my parents, and my husbands mother had an emergency hysterectomy a week ago soshe off work for 4-6 weeks, so she can't help us out. So my only option right now is to ask my grandmother, who right now is helping my parents. I know I should call her tonight as this needs to be delt with as soon as possible, but I can't help but think that I should talk to her face to face. But that's not that easy as I have to rive my husban to work (odd hours) and I always have the kids with me and daycare is out of the question. Part of me thinks that I should talk to my parents before I talk to my grandmother.

I thought it was to get better

It's been two weeks since my meds we increased and although I do feel a little bit better and more 'normal' than 2 months ago, I find I still need to have help to get over the feeling of losing it (Ativan when needed). I switched from taking the pills in the morning to the night (after dinner) since I was not getting a restful sleep dispite sleeping through the night. Well since I switched I have been getting a better rest but waking 4-5 times a night. Because if this I have now begun to nap on the train going to work and back home (20-30 mins each way).

I need the extra help last night. My husband finally has a job. He works nights driving a tow truck, which means we rarely will see eachother during the week. He works from 5pm-7am and I'm out before he gets home and home after he leaves. Gotta do whatcha gotta do. Last night was his first night. I knew I had to deal with being alone at night but found it more difficult as the night before (Monday night) there was a shooting 5 houses down from us. It was a case of mistaken identity, but never the less it happened (the area we live in is a lower to mid-income neighbourhood but in the 5 years we have been here nothing close to this has ever happened). When my husband is gone from the house (his hockey night and now work) I have a hard time turning off my brain at bedtime. All the "what if's" go through my head. Although last night there were no what-if's, but I could feel myself start to vibrate inside, especially when I had to make a decision. I made KD for the kids when I got home, but my husband suggested I make that. I had a hard time deciding which sheets to put on my son's bed (his diaper leaked during his nap), although there was 2 sets they both were the same. I also had a hard time picking out the kid's pjs. I should have just let Abby pick her own as she does all the time but I guess I felt the need to do it myself...my do. I got through it all and my husband actually came home at midnight as it was a short night for him. I did sleep through my alarm this morning to start the day off wrong. I had mushrooms for lunch as I just don't feel that hungry but know I need to eat something.

I'm done with everything.

I want out. Out of my life. Out of here. Out of my skin. But how can I leave everyone I love and that need me? Somedays I just want to pack up and leave, but where will I go? How can I leave my kids? my HB? I don't feel normal. Why am I being tested with all of this? Who did we piss off to recieve all this shit? I can't deal with my kids after only an hour or so (somethimes more, most times less) even though HB is with them all day (which is going to change next week) and needs a break. I feel like a failure at everything and I don't care at the time...but then I feel guilty afterward. It's a vicious cycle I'm on and I want off.

Well, f*ck you world

When will this nightmare end.

Last week, after 6 months with no job, my husband was offered and accepted a job. It wasn't ideal as it was nights, only a couple of days a week and 1 hr commute each way without traffic. He went for an unpaied training session and to fill out paperwork on Monday (2 days ago) and was all set to work tonight. He stayed up most of last night in preparation of tonight and took the kids to the daycare so he could get sleep durring the day. He came home to a message from work. He called and they said they no longer have a job for him as they lost a couple of accounts.

I know he probably automatically called me as he needed to vent, as I probably would have done the same. I do have to ask why he did, knowing that it would probably send me into an anxiety attack. I have actually handled it well so far, but it's only been 1 hr. I guess we'll see as the day progresses.

Here I sit...

...back from the review. I can't believe I was so paranoid and panicked about it. It was very informative and informal. We went through my self-evaluation and we talked about those things and then set some acheivable goals for the next year. Very easy. I barely cryed at the begining...something I tend to do when talking about emotions and myself.

I do, however, feel lightheaded. I think it has to do with the aftermath of the panic before I went in. It might have something to do with my 3-day migraine also, which I believe is gone.

Here I sit...

...one hour before my performance review. I've only been here for 4 months but since this review is on last years performance and this years goals I get to do this years goals and the last 4 months. Coincidentally the same 4 months I have been dealing with these demons. My wise mother told me last night that they've already formed their opinion and their critique is just to help me proceed rather than to beat me down like my mind is telling me.

I have been doing well since Friday. I have the last day of a 3-day migraine related to menstruation and haven't been able to sleep well at night (2 hours out, 2 hours up, etc.). I've only gotten max 4 hours of sleep each of the last 2 nights. Last night I had to take one of the crazy pills. I call it the crazy pills as that's how I feel on them. I feel drunk without the fun of getting there. No hallucinations yet but I'm certain that they will come.

I sit here now wanting to take a crazy pill because I can feel myself starting to get panicky and anxious, but I don't want to go into the review on it. I'm torn.

Everything is hard right now.

As I sit here at work in a drug-induced haze I wonder whay I even bothered to get up this morning.

It all started yesterday at around 5pm. As I steped onto the train platform I realise the train on the left hadn't arrived yet and the train on the right hadn't left to make room for the next train, which is the one I take. I felt a little panic that I believed would have gotten worse so I took the when-needed pill, as per Dr orders. Well it got me over the total uncontrolable panic and I tried to sleep on the train. This day I couldn't, normally I can. Maybe I was thinking too much of the night ahead. Abby had her 3rd soccer game, which I had to meet them there as I get home when thier game starts. Thankfully I can drop my car off at my house as the feilds are at the end of our street. We were supposed to have a nurse come and take blood, urine, and a bunck of tests, but Adam canceled because we wouldn't have enough time. He leaves for hockey at 8:30 and the nurse was comming at 8. Normally this wouldn't have been a big deal but he had to take the car without high-gear. An 11 min hiway drive was going to be a 30 min backroad drive. This also ment that I needed to bathe and put bith kids to be myself...remember the when-needed pill I took? We it's working full force now and I feel dizzy like being drunk without the fun of getting there. Abby isn't a problem since she is pretty selfsufficient and wants to do everything by herself...although I did read her a story. Paul on the other hand, at 17 months can't get out of the tub by himself, can't dress himself, can't climb into his crib by himself. Adam did bring a diaper and bottle of milk up before he left (kids were still in the tub), so I appreciated that. Slowly but surely I got them all into bed without incident (no crying or fussing for any of us). I then took a shower and went to bed myself.

This mornning I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow. I knew I had lots to do at work so I had to go. I go to find no lunch made (Adam makes my lunch all the time) and no money on the table next to my keys. Well I guess I don't get Timmy's this morning and there isn't any tea made...so I guess I don't get anything for breakfast. Really a little setback but inside it's starting to rage. I wake Adam up and ask him. The bank he usually goes to after hockey all the lights in the plazza were out so he couldn't get any money for me. But he did put gas in the car and he got McD's on his way home.

I race around get the last Poptarts and make a bottle of Gatorade and run out the door to pay for my train ticket and catch it. On my way to the train Station the car looks like it's overheating (steem coming out of the hood) but the temp guage is still fine. At this point I'm still tired and starting to vibrate on the inside. I try to let it go but find it's too much so I take another when-needed pill.

That seems like a lot for any one person to take, but for me I'm having problems letting go of the things I can't control. I know better days are ahead and I hope they come soon.