Why did I think I could do this now?

It all started about 5 weeks ago with a planned knee scope for my husband. He completely tore the outside cartilage of his right knee in half. They went in and removed it completely while he was put under. That day was a little frustrating for me as I had to run out while the surgery was happening and my car wouldn't start. It finally did and everything worked out. My husband had actually just came out and was ready for me to go see him what I arrived, so it all worked out in the end. I got him home and he didn't feel like sitting around so we went out to the mall to walk around with the kids. Yes he over did it, but he wouldn't listen to me. He also figured that he would be OK, at least that night and didn't need me to go out and get him the pain killers that he was prescribed (hind sight being 20/20 of course I really should have). He didn't have the greatest sleep that night. He couldn't get comfortable and he was in a lot of discomfort.

I had planned to let him sleep and relax the next day no matter what, but as my parents often say "all plans cast in jello". That saying was completely true in every sense.

...I will update more when the kids will leave me alone...well maybe I should actually pay attention to them instead...

I hope tomorrow is better.

Well, it's been a long time. My husband ended up leaving the tow job and had another driving job but that didn't work out. Finally in October he was offered another job an thankfully he still loves it. Not only does he love it they love him and he's doing a great job. In November I felt the wrath of downsizing. After 10 months of loving what I was doing (hating the commute) and on the road to felling better about my life and knowing that the end of the dark tunnel was very close, it caved in.

I was ok in the begining. I logically could make sense of it. It wasn't just me it was 10-15% of the company (30-45 people of all levels). It wasn't anything I did or didn't do as it was because of the economy.

Christmas was hard but my old company was very generous and gave everyone that was leaving a gift card that we were able to get the kids presents done right away.

I was able to get 12 months of EI, but because there was an increase around my area (GM layoffs) I ended up waiting just over 2 months. I didn't get anything until the very end of January. By that time we were 3 mortgage payments behind. With our renewl coming up (March 1st) we tried to get on top of this and everything else. We're close but still far enough away that I'm getting anxious and starting to panic again. I haven't had an attack this bad in almost 6 months. Although it isn't anywhere close to the worst, after almost 10 months since the worst I fear going back.

Today I feel like I'm letting my kids down. If we don't come up with an extra $600 by friday we can't refinance the mortgage an if we can't do that we loose our house. I feel like I failed my kids. If we can't come up with another extra $700 we don't have a car. My birthday was yesterday so technically today I was driving the car without a valid plate...although I can drive it until the end of the month. To re-plate the car it will cost more than the car is worth (thank you ETR) and we should fix it as it doesn't like to start. And that will cost more than the car is worth. It's better to scrap it as my aunt an uncle gave us a car in October. We just haven't had the money to plate it (thank you again ETR).

I know this time I can't ask my parents, and my husbands mother had an emergency hysterectomy a week ago soshe off work for 4-6 weeks, so she can't help us out. So my only option right now is to ask my grandmother, who right now is helping my parents. I know I should call her tonight as this needs to be delt with as soon as possible, but I can't help but think that I should talk to her face to face. But that's not that easy as I have to rive my husban to work (odd hours) and I always have the kids with me and daycare is out of the question. Part of me thinks that I should talk to my parents before I talk to my grandmother.

I thought it was to get better

It's been two weeks since my meds we increased and although I do feel a little bit better and more 'normal' than 2 months ago, I find I still need to have help to get over the feeling of losing it (Ativan when needed). I switched from taking the pills in the morning to the night (after dinner) since I was not getting a restful sleep dispite sleeping through the night. Well since I switched I have been getting a better rest but waking 4-5 times a night. Because if this I have now begun to nap on the train going to work and back home (20-30 mins each way).

I need the extra help last night. My husband finally has a job. He works nights driving a tow truck, which means we rarely will see eachother during the week. He works from 5pm-7am and I'm out before he gets home and home after he leaves. Gotta do whatcha gotta do. Last night was his first night. I knew I had to deal with being alone at night but found it more difficult as the night before (Monday night) there was a shooting 5 houses down from us. It was a case of mistaken identity, but never the less it happened (the area we live in is a lower to mid-income neighbourhood but in the 5 years we have been here nothing close to this has ever happened). When my husband is gone from the house (his hockey night and now work) I have a hard time turning off my brain at bedtime. All the "what if's" go through my head. Although last night there were no what-if's, but I could feel myself start to vibrate inside, especially when I had to make a decision. I made KD for the kids when I got home, but my husband suggested I make that. I had a hard time deciding which sheets to put on my son's bed (his diaper leaked during his nap), although there was 2 sets they both were the same. I also had a hard time picking out the kid's pjs. I should have just let Abby pick her own as she does all the time but I guess I felt the need to do it myself...my do. I got through it all and my husband actually came home at midnight as it was a short night for him. I did sleep through my alarm this morning to start the day off wrong. I had mushrooms for lunch as I just don't feel that hungry but know I need to eat something.

I'm done with everything.

I want out. Out of my life. Out of here. Out of my skin. But how can I leave everyone I love and that need me? Somedays I just want to pack up and leave, but where will I go? How can I leave my kids? my HB? I don't feel normal. Why am I being tested with all of this? Who did we piss off to recieve all this shit? I can't deal with my kids after only an hour or so (somethimes more, most times less) even though HB is with them all day (which is going to change next week) and needs a break. I feel like a failure at everything and I don't care at the time...but then I feel guilty afterward. It's a vicious cycle I'm on and I want off.

Well, f*ck you world

When will this nightmare end.

Last week, after 6 months with no job, my husband was offered and accepted a job. It wasn't ideal as it was nights, only a couple of days a week and 1 hr commute each way without traffic. He went for an unpaied training session and to fill out paperwork on Monday (2 days ago) and was all set to work tonight. He stayed up most of last night in preparation of tonight and took the kids to the daycare so he could get sleep durring the day. He came home to a message from work. He called and they said they no longer have a job for him as they lost a couple of accounts.

I know he probably automatically called me as he needed to vent, as I probably would have done the same. I do have to ask why he did, knowing that it would probably send me into an anxiety attack. I have actually handled it well so far, but it's only been 1 hr. I guess we'll see as the day progresses.

Here I sit...

...back from the review. I can't believe I was so paranoid and panicked about it. It was very informative and informal. We went through my self-evaluation and we talked about those things and then set some acheivable goals for the next year. Very easy. I barely cryed at the begining...something I tend to do when talking about emotions and myself.

I do, however, feel lightheaded. I think it has to do with the aftermath of the panic before I went in. It might have something to do with my 3-day migraine also, which I believe is gone.

Here I sit...

...one hour before my performance review. I've only been here for 4 months but since this review is on last years performance and this years goals I get to do this years goals and the last 4 months. Coincidentally the same 4 months I have been dealing with these demons. My wise mother told me last night that they've already formed their opinion and their critique is just to help me proceed rather than to beat me down like my mind is telling me.

I have been doing well since Friday. I have the last day of a 3-day migraine related to menstruation and haven't been able to sleep well at night (2 hours out, 2 hours up, etc.). I've only gotten max 4 hours of sleep each of the last 2 nights. Last night I had to take one of the crazy pills. I call it the crazy pills as that's how I feel on them. I feel drunk without the fun of getting there. No hallucinations yet but I'm certain that they will come.

I sit here now wanting to take a crazy pill because I can feel myself starting to get panicky and anxious, but I don't want to go into the review on it. I'm torn.